Finger tapping...

Do you ever catch yourself checking Facebook and Twitter like an addict... then roaming ALL your daily read blogs repeatedly?  OMG - I am dying for Christmas.  Have I mentioned that I LOVE Christmas!  Our house is decorated, mostly cleaned (finishing our room and the office tonight because I got TOTALLY sidetracked by Real Housewives last night) and we are READY for Christmas.  Every day I have been checking my Secret Santa recipients blog... I am DYING to see if she likes what she got.  I really really hope so...  Her family and blog is so cute... I have been stalking her since I got her information.  haha. 

Last night I sat with Diva... we talked about life, prayed for our friends bunny and discussed family and CHRISTMAS!  She asked for 3 things AND finished with a BABY BROTHER.... yeah, kid Santa won't have that in his sleigh.  Maybe next year.  I am counting down for Hubby to be home, for this week of work to be done... AND for everyone to open their gifts.  I diligenty bought gifts this year, I always want to have the perfect gift for each person. 

Random thoughts...

Countdowns, Christmas and a grounded child....

I have said for months... a military wife’s life is according to countdowns.  We are about 4 days away from a home daddy AGAIN – YAY!

I LOVE Secret Santa... LOVE LOVE LOVE them!  On Saturday I got a VERY sweet card from mine – Thank you so much!! I also hope that my Secret Santa gift was received... I love that she sounds so much like me and enjoys it.  This weekend was full of baking, final Christmas shopping, and laundry... and cleaning and decorating.  Hubby’s father and wife are coming in on Friday for the weekend, yippee!!  With all that was done it was a perfect weekend... well ALMOST perfect, missing the Hubby.  Stinks when 10 days turns into 14... hopefully the weather will cooperate and he will be home on time. 

Hubby and I have been Facetiming lately, thank you iPhone for this WONDERFUL option, and it’s given Diva some daddy time while he is gone.  She commented the other night how much BETTER it is than Skype.  OBVIOUSLY!  Haha.  She really needs this connection time with him, explaining to her that this is a short IN COUNTRY trip not a deployment has been convoluted and a little frustrating.  Their time, just like old Skype days, gives me a few minutes to get things done.  I let them chat, usually I leave and do something else but last night I just laid in bed next to her.  BACKSTORY - Yesterday she was grounded for hiding clothes in the closet instead of putting them away.- So last night while they were chatting(not wanting to tell daddy that she got in trouble) she told him that she spent all day cleaning her room and bathroom.  HAHA.  They started talking about when he would be home, I noticed something UNDER the dresser... as I pulled out what I thought was an errant sweater I found a FULL LOAD of clothes shoved under there.  First of all... had to laugh because both Hubby and I did that as kids, then I was full of amazement that she fit THAT much under there... finally she is grounded until Thursday for it.   Got to give the kid credit though... and now I realize why it seems that I am ALWAYS doing laundry, little booger is hiding it.

1 more week until I get to put everything away, reorganize our house and get my NON HOLIDAY life back... I am sadly looking forward to normalcy. Haha.  Then trying to plan our next big trip... family trip to DC is my plan.  We have places to stay for free, just need airfare and food.... YES, I got this!

Ahh Monday... the dreaded Monday

MIGRAINE DAY 5!  Please let it go away!!!!

I have said this a million times BUT I am honest, I am raw and I write what I am thinking - good, bad or indifferent.  If you don't like ME personally then why read what I write?

After my blog post Friday -  I was texted about stating an opinion, then was accused of stirring a pot and talking sh*t... last time I checked this is an ANONYMOUS blog, I do not use anyone’s names for a reason.  I didn’t email this to anyone and ask them to read it, I don’t promote it anywhere but Twitter (@MrsSoCalUS if you want) so I cannot possibly be stirring ANY pot.  To the woman who contacted me - I appreciate it and hope that we are at a better place now.  To the person who started it all - You are the original mean girl, you have been nothing but rude and judgmental, you like to cause problems for reasons that I will never understand because I have never done anything mean or nasty to you.  I deleted you from my facebook account for a reason please STOP being that interested in my life that you need to read and repeat.  Enough Said!

After all was said and done I spoke to an old friend of mine – wise beyond words.  She has always been a good friend of mine and is a writer- an honest and open writer, for this I admire her greatly.  We talked about my predicament and why it caused me to update and rework Friday’s post.  Her advice was priceless... "be YOU and don't change!" Not everyone is going to like my posts or even read them... BUT know that I am honest, I will not apologize for it.  Don't think that will change – I write to vent, I write to help... I write because I am me and it’s the MAIN outlet I have had since I was old enough to do so.    This blog won’t change... honest to a fault!

ON TO THE Happier stuff!!

Friday night the moms and I got to surprise Diva and her Daisy Troop from last year with a visit - she LOVED it as did they.  It was so nice to see them all playing and reminiscing with the moms about life last year and the changes since Hubby was again missing.  Crazy how that works - he is gone a few weeks and mentally I revert back to deployment.  I wonder why that is so much easier.  It’s sad that the separations become easier - we talked about it last night.  When he used to leave I was all annoyed and frustrated but now... it's just business as usual!  I miss him and love him with all my heart... my best friend gone SUCKS but it is easier now.  The deployment made us stronger and made us better people with a greater appreciation for life - no matter how frustrating reintegration is, there is no doubt of our love and commitment to our family. 

The rest of the weekend was all about the garage... cleaning and organizing.  I hate cardboard boxes so they are ALL gone and everything is in Rubbermaid totes and I WILL park both cars in there before he gets home – this is my Christmas gift to myself.  Speaking of gifts – he asked me what I wanted and to make a list.  Here is the problem – I don’t want anything.  I have him and Diva both here for Christmas, we have our new home (ok I do want my custom closet)... but that’s it.  I have more than most and am thankful for it all.  What do I tell him??  The lame list: gym clothes, a necklace hanger for the bathroom... ummm.  Yeah, that’s all I got.  Haha.

What do you tell your husband when he asks for a list? HELP?!

And he leaves... again! UPDATED

UPDATE:  So my frustration this morning was taken WAY out of context by someone - I am not insinuating that anyones husband doens't like them nor that they have an unhappy marriage.  I was just venting - which is not always rational or sugarcoated.  Especially not on a few hours of sleep, a migraine, a 7 year old who has been upset since daddy left yesterday (who I am consistently reminding that daddy is still in the US)  AND still having to go to work and be productive - Yes, I am NOT perfect!  I have to realize that few people understand what it's like to be without your spouse for 15 months, don't know what it's like to listen to all the things people say about you (yes, people are two faced in this world) and forget that we each have off days.  I apologize that anyone was insulted by my rant because it wasn't meant to be hurtful towards anyone.  I am human and should not have taken my own migraine/lonely frustration out on the public - so for that I am sorry.  I have since removed the questionable wording on this post - moreso to not create any additional issues. 
I keep my blog annonyomous so that I can be frank, a little off color and allow myself to vent without publicly insulting anyone or hurting anyone.... I am not HIDING behind it because if you want to know who I am... email me and ask.  But after 15 months alone, figuring out reintegration... and everything else in my life it's nice to have an outlet. 

**Back to your regularly scheduled read!**

Hubby left for a work trip yesterday – I have spent the last week mentally preparing for him to be gone AGAIN.  I watched him pack and it just reminded me of watching his duffel get packed several times over the last 2 years – seems like we go through this a lot.  Then the trip to the airport and a crying Diva - He has been home less than 4 months and now he is in Colorado for 2 weeks.  Some days I am just over watching him leave, watching my daughter hurt... and sleeping alone.  Yet I am the one that told him he should reenlist in the Reserves – thus putting us at the risk of another deployment.  Not sure what my deal is.  Maybe if he were Active OR had a civilian job that allowed him to be home more it would make this all easier?  No clue but today it’s hard.  I even woke up this morning forgetting where he was and had a moment thinking he was deployed.  WEIRD!  I

It’s time for the MilSpouse Friday Fill-In again - thanks to Wife of A Sailor for being in charge again!

1.      My favorite song of the season is Jingle Bell Rock!  Diva and I LOVE to dance to this song... she is also stealing all things Glee Christmas from me this year as well. 

2.       Diva  is someone who inspires me because no matter what happens she tries to be the strong one, she loves everyone and knows NO strangers.

3.       If I had $100,000 to give to a charity, I’d give it to the Got Your Back Network (www.gotyourbacknetwork.org) because they assist families of the fallen.  I have been on the board and involved with them for a few years and simply LOVE what they do.

4.      . If I had a theme party, I’d make it Christmas in New York – maybe because I love NYC and I love Christmas.  Although our holiday decorations this year are closer to Christmas in Hawaii.
5. If I had one wish for my kids/future kids/some young person I care about, it would be follow their dreams and their heart!  I want her/them to live the life by enjoying it, doing things that matter the most, and remembering how precious every single day is.

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.
– Author Unknown

Secret Santa... LOVE!

I have been shopping for my Secret Santa Gift and finding it HORRIBLY hard to stay within the allotted amount... $20 doesn't get very far these days, haha.  Especially when I have something in mind that I just HAVE to get her but it's SLIGHTLY outside of the allotment.  Hmmm decisions, decisions. 

A new direction...

I love Glee and when I was starting this post and listening to Glee Christmas – the New Directions spoke to me.  Basically seems that I need to stop, and send my energy and light in a new direction.  I also realized that I can’t sing and often can’t tell the boys and girls voices apart (Kurt Hummel!)

I spent Friday night writing and editing my book... only to realize that it’s not the book I want it to be and am essentially starting over -  The book started out very raw and honest and got lost somewhere in a ball of fluff and that is NOT what I will publish!  I want to look back at my book and say YEP, that is EXACTLY what I planned it to be.

Tonight is also the premier of the Candy Queen – and our show will be airing.  TLC came in and filmed our homecoming party for this pilot show.  I am so nervous and excited to see this moment between my husband and our friends and this great surprise!

 Beyond that- life has been good, odd but good.  We have been, ok I will keep it about me and say that I have been struggling with life post deployment and where I fit.  Most days I don’t really feel that I fit anywhere.  I have given up so many things since Hubby has been home in order to just be all about family time... however it’s far from reciprocated and I need to learn to be ok with that.  I just don’t think I can – all the things that I came to LOVE about him while he was gone are things that I thought would stay when he got home... you know the little things like stopping and surprising me with freeway off ramp flowers just because OR maybe getting up with Diva JUST ONCE and letting me sleep beyond 7am on any given day.  JUST SAYIN.

We are also talking about the next addition to our family and there is a HUGE conflict inside- part of me WANTS to try ONE more cycle IUI before we move forward with the adoption but I am 95% sure it won’t work (this is based on the fact that I have a 5% chance of ACTUALY doing it.) and really don’t want to waste any more time or money.  We both hope to have another little one in our home by NEXT Christmas, we shall see. 

Happy Monday!

Writing

I have been writing my book since the day Hubby left... I was totally done, just editing OR SO I THOUGHT.  In editing I have decided to take it in a whole different direction.  Here I go again....

This is whats been keeping me super busy the last few weeks.  Hubby has been a bit rough lately, he is going through a lot and making some difficult career decisions so I am just being a SUPER supportive wife.  AHHH, the life of an Army wife.