NEEDED- Guest Bloggers

Hello~  I need a few more guest bloggers to cover hubby's R&R.  I would love to have people talk about their pre/post R&R feelings and thoughts, any suggestions/thoughts... and maybe anything you would change.

As MilSpouses all we have to understand is eachother and I LOVE knowing that I am not alone in some of my thoughts.

Please email me  militarywifeapparel@yahoo.com


Thanks!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair

I made the executive decision to get waxed before Hubby gets home... mainly because I don't want to deal with it while he is home.  I am too blonde and light skinned for laser, or so I am told... but really who's to say that my current grooming habits will still be the ones I want to embrace in say 10 or 15 years so waxing/shaving is what I will be doing. 
So I called a place to make an appointment and she isn't available so she suggested electrolisis... oh hell no.  Basically this is the OLD SCHOOL version of laser and is done by placing a needle into EACH hair follicle and killing it.  Thanks but no.
I went and spoke to the waxing girl at the salon and she gave me the Readers Digest version of waxing... let hair grow at least 2 weeks with NO trimming, she will tear hair out, smooth as a baby's butt for 10-15 days and your lady bits look like a bald mouse (sorry creepy visual but I am quoting here).  Sounds like a plan to me... yes painful but whatever saves razor bumps and stuff later.
Then came the pictures online... I have NEVER waxed anything except my eyebrows.  In the words of The Bachelor, they wax your UNDERCARRIAGE!  ARE YOU JOKING!  I have zero need for all that is not seen daylight to be waxed, really.  I dont' get it... WHY.  My appt is set for the day before Hubby gets home... oh another rule.  NO SEX for at least 24 hours after waxing.  Good grief, the shaving is starting to seem like a much better plan.

Here is a waxing joke I read a few years ago... its starting to ring more and more true to me.  ENJOY

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! (And I feel it too!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(Y A THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek.

(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!!

Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich i s now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door.

"hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!

I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!!!! RIGHT! !!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice t o my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!

So I recklessly sh ave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.... Now thats funny...... Notttt

Seriously... Father Time SLOW DOWN

Got a call from hubby that he may be home a few DAYS before he initially planned.  NOPE!  The email string went something like this:
Hubby - Are you awake?
Me -  NOPE, sleep typing
Hubby - I may be home a few days early for R&R, is that ok?
Me - NOPE - sorry I have plans and a schedule
Hubby - Really? 

Haha... yes, I am brutally honest with hubby.  There is cleaning, organizing and waxing that needs to be done. If he comes home early there will be waxing that IS NOT completed, hair that is not blonded... and possibly a house that is a little less than clean.  Beside the fact I have a LONG awaited girls night scheduled... and a pageant to prepare for. 

Ok- sounds harsh maybe BUT I am a control freak, I have my life scheduled on my Blackberry and things need to adhere to said schedule if they are to work as I have carefully planned out.   Even a day earlier doesn't work with the schedule that I have planned... yes I know that my life as an Army wife is SURROUNDED by - ISH.  April -ISH, 12 month deployment - ISH .... You can see-ISH eachother on Skype... the mail system, well one BIG ISH!  So with that being said... I don't care I have a plan and damnit I want to stick to it.  haha.

I can't wait to have my moment wrapped in Hubby's arms, kissing his pillow lips after 9 months and feeling the head full of hair (he has bic'd his head 3 times a week since we met)... oh and did I mention he is INCREDIBLY hot with a six pack!  Yep... this is one HAPPY Army wife... IF I get my original plan and days.

Too bad I spent last  night dancing around my room Cameron Diaz (in Charlie's Angels) style instead of cleaning  OOPS!

Plus side - THANK YOU to Erika Lentz from http://www.lentzdesignstudios.com/ for this AMAZING T-Shirt quilt made out of hubby's shirts from his LAST deployment.  I got sick of seeing them, they are WAY too big for him now and I couldn't bare to put them in a box to save forever or throw away SO...

I AM BEING CHASED...

Running is just so amazing.  The feeling your ponytail bounce, the wind in your hair… a freedom of being out side and one with nature.  It’s surreal and freeing.  OK REALLY- CUT THE CRAP! 

I think running should be reserved for when you are being chased or see a really great shoe sale and nothing else.  I hate to run however I do it because I have 2 spastic dogs that need the energy release so 2-4 times a week I run 4 miles… I also do it because R&R is coming and I do not want any food in the bedroom (if it can go on a bagel it will NOT be on my thighs/butt, ie cottage cheese or jelly!).  So running I go… I loathe it and complain to the 2 non-listening dogs (who have tripped me more than once, I have the scars to prove it) about how much I hate it and think that they should pull me on rollerblades.  I can picture it now… a tall clumsy white girl being pulled down the street by a Shih Tzu and a Jack Russell mutt… ahh the site would be worth it I am sure.  Then the two idiots, sweet loving puppies would pull me into traffic and I would be LITERALLY rolling up to the airport to pick up the hubby in a wheelchair.  (Luckily for me I work for a company that provides them!)

This whole getting ready for R&R thing is starting to be comical… there is working out, cleaning, organizing and then comes WAXING… oh yes we will chat about that adventure tomorrow. 

The best part of it is this.. We clean the house, groom ourselves, do our hair... kill ourselves to be in a certain shape and buy a new outfit but all the hubby has to do is get on a plane!  Then 2-3 days later they get off, all stinky and in the same uniform they put on 2-3 days before, we swoon!  CRAP, I TELL YOU... unfair crap!  I will spend a minimum of 1.5 hours getting dressed that morning, then primp on my way to the airport (30 minute drive), apply about a POUND of chapstick and smelly good lotion before he gets off the plane.... Once we are in eachothers arms, NONE of it will matter.  It's all a joke

Stringy Haired hot man and Brutal Deployment honesty!

Yesterday we went to Medieval Times with Diva’s Daisy Troop… not necessarily my first choice for a bunch of 6 & 7 year old girls but ooook!  It’s what THEY wanted to do with their cookie money… so we smiled and watched 12 Princesses (with crown and sash) cheer on their Knight with the largest eyes ever.  We got the Blue Knight and I must say he was hot… well maybe it was because I haven’t seen a man in 9 months and his stringy greasy hair on top of a horse like a bad romance novel was just more than I could handle.  Anyhoo… after consuming food with my fingers (YUCK!  Totally against all charm school and etiquette classes I have taken), wiping 6 sets of fingers off with wetnaps we were ready to head home where I have a bunch of cleaning to do BEFORE Big Daddy gets home.  Must I point out that I hung about 7 pieces of clothing and called it a night.  I had some Real Housewives of the OC to watch, I admit it.    

I do SO love my Daisy days… those little girls are amazing and it’s really given me a chance to get to know other moms.  As a working mother I don’t often have the chance to meet moms as I don’t do play dates, I make it to school functions in time to see Diva and then hug her a leave… so unless your child is in our CDC program I probably don’t know you.  This is where Daisies came in – a way for me to meet other moms to make it through the deployment and I must be honest in saying I really only met one mom that I have seen outside of troop events.  Oh well, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them meet the other horses there!

I do have some things to get off my chest about R & R – I will preface this by saying that I do love my husband with every ounce of my body (that’s a lot of ounces!)

**I am just going to write this because it’s my blog and I will be brutally honest if I want to, what’s the point in being anything other on an anonymous blog.**

I am petrified, nervous, anxious, excited and …. Well PETRIFIED about R&R.  I am scared that we will have changed too much, I am worried that he and Diva will have issues, I am worried that he will be the “Disneyland Dad” letting her get away with everything for me to pick the pieces up when he heads back.  I am worried we won’t be as attracted to each other, or he will be yelling and screaming at the dogs or the kid or me the whole time…. Basically I am a STRESS BALL of nerves.  I know that my house is a mess because I figure he CAN’T come home till it’s clean so if I go slow then he wont come home as fast.  I love my  husband more than anything and have gotten through the past year of all of this knowing that we are together for a reason that will all the crap in my past he is my redemption and my way to right all my wrongs…. But with that said, I do NOT want R&R. 

Another thing, it’s a disruption.  He left and Diva wet the bed and her pants for MONTHS… MONTHS of extra clothes to school and water resistant mattress covers.  Months of explaining to the teacher that we just need some understanding and not diapers!  Months of the sad looks from other moms when they show up and my little one is crying because he is gone.  Months for the crying every night about Daddy dying at war to stop… we have been good and on our little way for the last 6 months or so and now he will come home for 15 days and send me back to square one again.  I don’t know if I have the mental wherewithal to do this again.  I hurt for my poor baby when she hurts… it’s a mom thing.  So I keep trying to remind her that daddy is just home on vacation and I keep trying to remind him that we have a routine that needs to be adhered to for survival as we still have MONTHS left after this leave.  Yes, I am a SUPER control freak… ADMITTEDLY.  It’s not a secret to ANYONE that knows me.  I have talked to my military wife friends and they say I am normal, WHAT NORMAL… if this is normal no wonder MilDoctors give away XANEX like candy!  AHHH…. Deployment.   I hated the civilian job schedule but I promise to the Almighty I will never whine about his Civilian job schedule again!    

But that one is more you... guy code for "I hate it!"

I love love love Fridays!  It's usually my Starbucks Skinny Latte Day... this morning was a running REALLY late because I stayed up till 1:30ish watching Greys Anatomy and Private Practice.  Then of course I have to do laundry this morning, MAXIMIZING time people!  haha.  Busy weekend with Daisy's, The Giving Project, and Midieval Times with our Troop.  In between all of this I need to get my butt in gear and finish my cleaning.

The closet floor is clear - except my shoes 

Last night I did trick hubby - funny!  His mom is making me a super cute outfit for an upcoming event so she came over last night to do the fitting.  She thought it would be super easy to try it all on me if I had a bodysuit on to hold the material in place better than my skin.  So she brought over a 1980's 1 piece!  HYSTERICAL!  We took a picture and sent it to hubby telling him I had decided against the hot bikini I just bought and decided that I should wear this instead. 

The ONE PIECE -

His response:
Ummm...What happened to that orange 2 piece.

To which I replied:
So you don't like my suit? Your mom lent it to me...
Then in true MAN fashion:

Baby,

Wow you still read into things.  I never said I didn't like the suit.  I just like the two piece a bit more.  Its more you baby. 

(his way of saying he hates  the one piece and likes the hot 2 piece better without ACTUALLY saying it.  LOVE HIM!)

SO FUNNY.  I went back and forth a few emails before I fessed up, it was worth the giggle.

Anyhoo...  It's Friday so we know that means MilSpouse Friday Fill In!!!

Only 1 or 2 more of these before R&R! I am counting Friday Fill ins!  Join up each Friday with Wifey at Wife of a Sailor and learn something new about your fellow MilSpouses!!!

1. What is your must have gadget? submitted by Flying High With My Flyboy

My Blackberry is the one thing I don’t leave home without… ever!  I take it to the bathroom, the bedroom, the gym and on my runs!  It’s the main line of communication with the Hubby.

2. How does your adulthood compare to what you imagined it would be like when you were a little kid? submitted by L to the Third

I thought my life would be full of travel and a bunch of money… instead its full of carpool and work BUT I have a lot more love in it than I had every anticipated.

3. What is your favorite chocolate recipe?  submitted by Our First Deployment

Recipe, I don’t need no stinkin recipe… I LOVE DARK CHOCOLATE however it comes!

4. How do you deal with military life when it gets to be too much or to hard? submitted by Combat Boots And Pointe Shoes

This has happened often during deployment… I have felt like it’s all too much and I/We just can’t anymore… that’s when I write.  Whether I blog, journal, email the hub and delete it…. I just write.  OR I reorganize/decorate a room.  Our bedroom is usually the starting spot!

5. What piece of advice would you give a new Military spouse facing their first deployment?  submitted by The Albrecht Squad

Be informed!  Know who to call for what, how to use your insurance and then find ways to relax.  Personally I tell women to avoid the news; there is no use in freaking out every time a bomb drops in country they are in.  Sadly, if something bad happens you will know.

I LOVE reading everyone’s answers… so many people are similar.

Thoughtful Thursday

Ahh Thursday… one of my favorite days of the week.  Not sure why but I LOVE Thursdays.  I am still working on cleaning our room… got to get used to saying OUR again.  For the past 9 months it has been MY room and MY house, not intentionally just happens since I am the one that is there.  The dog will not be happy when hubby gets home as she will be relegated to either Diva’s room or the laundry room depending.  The puppy is still potty training in his crate in the garage so he isn’t really an issue in the equation.  I am not happy that I have to work the first week that he is home BUT my choice is home for R&R or home for homecoming and I choose having a little more time at homecoming and possibly a small vaca with my love then. 

Tonight is a big meeting for one of the organizations I am part of, Got Your Back Network.  We are moving forward with several awesome events in Southern California and Michigan.  I am so excited to meet with our Posse (yes, interesting name but I didn’t choose it) to set up some events with the San Diego Padres, the USS Midway, our Martini’s & Makeover event PLUS a really neat event in Michigan!  I love being part of a group that has a main focus of helping the families of our fallen military.   Diva is actually going to be getting a community service award next year for her hard work this year giving back.  She is also doing a penny drive at her school to benefit families of our fallen… yep, proud mom!  She told me that every person can spare pennies to help kids that lost their daddies in war since he is a real hero. 

The days are just cheery from the inside… Lord knows the weather in So Cal SUCKS!

Worse before better... organizing the closet by utilizing my side of the bed

SAID nightmare closet

my Ikea dresser... busting at the seams