What if's?

Today is one damn day closer to R&R; yep don’t give a rip about homecoming at this point.  That date seems like FOREVER until it's here... I mean good grief I would rather look a few weeks than a few months.  So, for now, my life REVOLVES around R&R.  I have my list before he gets home: a maid the week before he gets home (I know that may sounds snooty BUT a maid is paid to get down and dirty and do a WAY better job cleaning that I do),  the carpets professionally cleaned, the office organized and possibly a massage or two to calm my UN-ZEN butt down.  I am so nervous about R&R…

I have talked to a girlfriend who had hers a few months ago and I don’t feel so off base but here we go.  So, my husband and I have an amazing relationship… this deployment has made it so.  Any issues we had before we have had to deal with and move forward.  I love how we are NOW.  That being said I am scared to death for R&R!  What if we are weird together, what if we don’t connect in the bedroom… what if things are just OFF the whole time he is home, or he and Diva clash.  Yep… scared to death.  I have been told that my fear is normal and that everything will be ok but ‘what if’s’cloud my thinking.  I hate worrying as I feel like that screws me out of the wonderful anticipation of this.  I am dying for my airport moment, he school moment and all the time we get together.  I hope that my fears go away not intensify…

What was your biggest R&R fear?

Diva - true to form

I wrote a WHOLE post this morning about r&r coming and this weekend then realized that it wasn’t really what I wanted to write about… so I will save it.  Haha.

Now I don’t know how many of you have kids while your husband is deployed… Diva will be 7 in April.  The past 9 months have been trying to say the least.  She doesn’t listen, she talks back… she has attitude.  She is just trying my patience in every level and I feel like  HUGE failure.  How as a parent, did I let this get this far is hard.  She has a blantantly disrespectful attitude.  It used to be saved for time alone with me, now she doesn’t care where we are… she is just a brat.  It hurts me to say/admit that… it really does.

Everyone in my life has a different opion to offer… yes opinions are like, well you know.  One opinion is spanking, NOT gonna work with this kid.  LONG story but I can guarantee it won’t.  I do not judge spankers... I think it's a great way to discipline your child if done correctly.  Second opinion was a therapist… now I thought about this, talked to BD about it.  Maybe due to her age she isn’t able to articulate her thoughts very well so she needs someone to help that.  This is still in the running.  The third option was just spending more time with her, give her as much attention as humanly possible and see if that helps.  While this is my favorite option, I work full time and already spend as much time as I can with her… but I am going to work with this one for a bit.

I don't know many people with daughters Diva's age that I feel comfortable confiding in... admitting my defeatest attitude.  I know it's a phase, it's her daddy being gone but good grief.  1 step forward and then 2 back.  WAIT... thats just my life as a whole

Any other suggestions from those of you with kids?

All of these things are said with as much of a smile as I can muster, some slight chuckles and a lot of hope!

Zen

Ever since hot hubby got to his vacation destination he has decided to be Zen... seriously if I have to hear that damn word one more time I may scream and PUKE but whatever it makes him happy.  I am so far from zen it's not funny... well it is funny but whatever. 
So today during my love/hate relationship with Kohl's I bought into his whole stupid zen thing.... LITERALLY!

Zen is the title of this comforter set... haha

When he left we had no real bedroom anything... just boring BLAH bedding and some Asian themed stuff I put up.  NOW I feel a theme coming together!  Thank you Kohls for our Zen!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

 

Link up and learn more about fellow MilSpouses over at Wife of a Sailor!


1. Since most of the country has had nasty weather, what has your weather been like this week?
Orange County has been AWESOME!  Sorry to gloat but other than a little wind we have had sunny skies all week!


2. What is/are your best money saving tip(s)?
Plan for something!  I LOVE shoes but every time I want to buy a pair I realize that is money that should be going towards our house purchase instead.   


3. What was your favorite vehicle you’ve ever owned?
I loved my 1992 Honda Accord – it had pop up lights, a sunroof and was a stick shift. I LOVED that car!


4. What is a question you’d like to see asked in a future fill-in?
If you have a child(ren) why you chose their name(s),; if not why you would name your child something. 

5. Fill in the blank: You might be a MilSpouse if…
You speak in acronyms and understand them!   

Thoughtful Thursday

This past few weeks I have taken time for deep reflection on my mommy role.   Mommy is something that I wanted so badly for so long…. I tried in my past life, but told that it would never happen so that was a pipe dream (or rather a petri dish dream) that would probably never happen.  Then Diva came into the picture and she became my all.  I didn’t mind sleepless nights, pull ups, kids bodily fluid issues…. I loved everything about her little face.  The last 9 months of BD’s vacation have been trying on Diva and I… I had hoped it would make us closer and some days I think it has done just the opposite.  I can only hope that she knows someday the lengths I went through to get her and the love that we have for her

Her first salon day with mommy.... she hated the end result cause it was "too big" (Think Texas pageant hair in the 80's)

Our BIG family time... Her and Daddy had Starbucks dates every week and now we do to keep it up.

Her first real pedi.... well mani/pedi

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Terrible no good very bad morning

** FAIR WARNING... VERY PISSY POST! **

I feel like the WORST parent ever!  I am the only parent here so it's my fault completely... how can it not be.    Diva has been struggling pretty consistently this entire school year... and truthfull part of last year as well.  In the beginning I thought that it was just the deployment and she would snap out of it….  He got his orders March of 2010, smack in the middle of Kindergarten.  Even though I know that she didn't get what it meant she knew that everyone just changed.  Then daddy was just gone!
Then there are days it seems that she just gets it.  Her school work looks great, her spelling tests are awesome, her math seems to be correct more often than not.  Lately, though, she is just not there.  She would rather draw pictures on the BACK of her tests than actually do them.  She knows every word and then misses 5 on her spelling test... these are words she knew in any order that MORNING.  Last night we were working on her science project on how hurricanes form…. I read the google kids version of how they form 6 times... she just ZONED out.  Then as we were writing about the different categories of hurricanes, she ‘forgot’ how to spell THE.  REALLY KID… how you forget how to spell that word.  A word you learned in PRESCHOOL.  After an hour and a half of fighting with her to pay attention and write out the different categories of hurricanes I just gave up.  It was past 8 (her bedtime is 7:30) and I was mentally drained.  She didn't DO ANTYING.... she just expects me to do it all.  Guess what, I already did it all.  I get angry because she acts like she doesn’t care… I pointed out that I already finished first grade so maybe she should pay attention or she would be repeating it. 

Her tutor says that she is doing really well, most days I see her doing well… but in class she is all but failing MOST subjects. 

I do want to point out that they are doing algebra in the FIRST GRADE… yep, you read it right ALGEBRA at 6 years old.  7 + ? = 9 &  9 - ? = 7… I am frustrated and defeated.  I do not want my little angel to be held back, that will destroy her for good.  On the flip side I don’t want her to struggle and hate school.  I didn’t learn to hate school until high school like everyone else, heck I was a GATE student until then.  I never struggled with English or math and sadly I don’t understand it… hence why she has a tutor. 

THANK YOU TO THE US ARMY for making me go through this ALONE – I am so grateful that my family, my friends and I can sacrifice EVERYTHING for the betterment of a country that doesn’t appreciate a single thing.  Thank you for keeping my husband away from his family, a father away from his daughter… FOR WHAT?!  Please someone tell me why. 

Today is the most upset and resentful I have been in my life I think….

OH PALEEZE!

When husband left we had a big going away party… invited everyone he knew.  Guess what, they pretty much all showed up throughout an entire day.  They showed up with wives, kids, girlfriends… a constant stream of people.  As each person left they uttered the same sentiment, “Princess, if you need ANYTHING just call… even if you just need a friend”.  Those who know me, know that I don’t ask for anything… it’s not in my nature.  I reluctantly agreed, mostly from the other moms thinking that it may be good for a playdate.  Maybe this deployment would strengthen friendships… I did warn BD that most of these ‘friends’ wouldn’t be there when he came home, that they would bail just like friends in the past.  Things get hard, they bail… BD argued that we were adults and these people were genuine.  HA HA PALEEZE!

With 1 or 2 exceptions I haven’t spoken to these ladies in MONTHS.  I was having a horrible time just after Christmas… needed a break and texted one of the moms.  Simply asking her schedule as I ‘really needed a friend”.  I got a response that she was busy and would call later…. That was weeks ago and still no call.  Just as expected!

Funniest part is this… when he gets home and has his requested homecoming party all of these people will be there telling me how the time just flew by and that they are just so proud of how strong I am because they KNOW that they couldn’t do it.  TRUE!  I am just that rock solid and amazing.  I don’t need anyone, I am stoic and superhuman.  HAHA.  NOPE… just a normal mom that occasionally needs a break, needs a friend and possibly a DRINK.  I am at the point now to find the comedy… I know who my friends are and they know who they are… they are the women that I know I can call and will be there for me no matter how often we see eachother or talk.  Those are my friends.

*Sidenote* It was BD that changed his OWN password yesterday and just forgot to tell me.  Thanks love… I freaked for NOTHING.  ahha