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Tuesday, May 17

Tighter than rubberbands!

I feel like that!  Ifeel that I am wound so tight that I can never come undone.  I am beat today… full night of mental stress.  The next 90 days will see some major changes and possibilities of more.  I know the saying that ‘Nothing in life is never easy’ but GOOD GRIEF!  With the Hubby coming home, then training, then back to work on top of our lease being up and feeling like we will NEVER find a house I get a little down.  I feel like 98% of this is firmly on my shoulders.  I know most don’t understand why I bare the brunt of the stress about home but when your husband is running several missions a day the last thing you are going to or should do is add additional stress about home.  His focus should be on safely making it home. 
I am a list person… my life is in lists!  Here is my stress list:
 1.  Hubby is coming home and while I know this shouldn’t be a stress but the whole reintegration part is a bit awkward for me.  I do it all and stress about it all… how can I possibly just let go!  I have used the stress as my way of dieting; I don’t overeat when I am stressed!  Last time he came home I gained 3 sized in 7 months!  Hopefully his ridiculously good shape will continue and he will help me through my eating phase!

 2. Diva is having adjustment issues… well she needs an attitude adjustment.  I have always loved that my little girl doesn’t ask for things, that she always offers to donate her things to other children.  Well, lately she is being quite the unappreciative brat.  I love my daughter to death but that just isn’t acceptable, nor will it ever be.  She got some clothes for summer the last few weeks; I have been holding them hostage until she earns them.   She needs to understand the value of money, end of story!

 3. Our lease is up about 2 weeks after he gets home and I don’t know what to do.  Ok, I know that we will just extend and stay there but it’s so frustrating as I know the rent will go up in which case it will be more than some people mortgages.  I just want to leave the state sometimes; VA is looking better and better!

 4. Getting back to normal is just weird.  Our normal since we met was embracing the abnormal.  Hubby’s civilian job has odd hours, last minute changes, business trips and requires the flexibility to go at a moments notice.  This has always made family time difficult or non existent in so many ways.  This past year I have only needed to consider my schedule when making plans or arranging Diva’s activities.  I am sure that Diva will welcome daddy being home so that she doesn’t have to attend so many things with me.  I just don’t know how it’s going to be to have 3 people getting ready for work in 1 bathroom because while Little Miss has her own bathroom we both converge in mine ours in the morning for ease and quickness.  Making dinner for 3 instead of 1, grocery shopping together or just being there together.  I have to get a whole new routine.

 5. Finding a house!  We have been working with an agent for a few months; she isn’t very VA knowledgeable so it’s a ridiculously slow process.   It’s extremely frustrating now and we need to move forward to a new agent but currently stuck in a broker/buyer agreement for a few more months.  I couldn’t be more annoyed with the entire process and with her. 

While it may sound like I am complaining I am not.  I am blessed that my husband is scheduled to come home soon, I am blessed that he and I have made it through a separation that so many in my life could never imagine.  I am madly in love with the man with whom I share my last name and couldn’t imagine any other person sharing life with me.  I am still allowed to stress… freak out and be paranoid over all the WHAT IF’S that come along with reintegration.    

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