Lets LINK and show what we are thankful for!

Tuesday, September 20

Thoughtful Tuesday

I promise to be back to my snarky uplifting self tomorrow.... some things happened today that made me more pensive than normal.  Sometimes life just pulls you in ways you least expect at 7:15am, before your first cup of coffee is done.  Which got me thinking more than normal...

I have always been one to make a decision and stand by it firmly... OK, maybe not always but for the last several years. My life has been very black and white without an ounce of gray. I have had to do this for self preservation. Having gray leave too much of myself out there and that doesn't seem to work. My heart, my soul and my humility have been tested and I am still here. Now I am strong and sensible, at least I would like to think so. I like being the strong woman that I have learned to be, that I have fought hard to find.
Since October, as I have previously blogged about, my heart has been pulled in a different direction.  I am a survivor of domestic violence (past life), I know this but I don't need to relive the hurt and pain to know that it was real. I remind myself of this often. I am ME - I am a mom and a wife... I am proud of myself and my accomplishments.  I used to wonder if he knew that I was too good, too good for him and that life.. that the college plan I put on hold for him (at his urging) would have made me too much for him. I will never know, nor do I care to find out.
Recently I was asked something that shocked me I was asked to share my story. To put out there, with my face and name, my story. How I went from All American girl, to military wife, to homeless, to ... well ME, Girl ExtraOrdinaire! Instantly I wanted to say HELL NO, uh uh NO WAY. No chance on this beautiful green earth was I going to bring all that up again... all the crap that I dealt with. No chance was I going to put myself out like that NOW. Now that I felt all better... now that I felt like me again. FINALLY 9 years later.
I even told my husband no... OK, he got the HELL NO answer. Via IM my answer was probably not as funny because he couldnt see the face of total disbelief that I had.
Then I thought about one thing that he said to me months ago. I have spent the last 9 years wanting to help someone else, help another woman or girl that was in the same position as I. How could I say no. Maybe my story can show someone that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That no matter how hard it seems now it will get better. So I replied that I would be honored but STILL questioning my decision. I felt the need to agree as my own issues would be handled, besides I could always change my mind as I knew they would understand.  I have talked to friends about this and my fears and decision. They have all been amazingly supportive and said that same thing - maybe my story can help just one person.
I have heard so many times that I don't fit the mold of what people expect to see. Sometimes I feel that I am not what they WANT to see. They want to believe that it happens to others, it happens to lower income people in other areas not middle class Caucasian women in Orange County. They do not want to see an article with a tall blond girl that looks like their daughter because it makes this real and not a lifetime movie. I NEED to do this for me and for them. I need to stand up and say, My name is Princess and I survived domestic violence.
I am bless and grateful to have my life, my future and the ability to speak for women that didn't and no longer have the option. 

Happier note... Diva is still hopeless on color coordinating her clothes!  Yep she tried Kelly Green Shorts (with a lighter green polka dot) with a bright turquoise tshirt!  Oh sweetheart.  Then I tried a jean skirt with the same shirt and I got "Mom, I can't play rainbow in a skirt!"... what the hell is RAINBOW?  Half of her wardrobe is skirts... apparently it's just not a tight skirt!  I am in trouble!


JennyTheBeatBoxer said...

As I began reading this entry, I was hoping you'd change your mind about telling your story! I'm glad you're considering it. Please do! Even if you never know that it's helped someone, it will be worth it in the end. You never know what one testimony of triumph can do for someone who is in the same situation you were in 9 years ago. Please please please, do! You won't regret it.

Shana said...

Thank you Jenny - it's been a struggle both ways for me. I know that it's hard for my husband to handle reading what I have been through as well as it's hard for me to tell it. I will post the article when it's done...