Daydream believer and a Homecoming Queen!

I am sitting here at work just daydreaming about R&R!  I love my job and I love to work.  I do not have the stay at home mom brain… I respect women that do but it’s just not me.  My daughter is my most important job, being a mother is extremely rewarding.  I do know that she loves being at her after school program with her friends… they are always busy and do some pretty fabulous trips throughout the year.  So, no I don’t feel bad that she is there on Christmas break, Spring Break or Summer.  We are able to live where we do, enjoy the trips and events that we do and she gets to be with her friends because we both work.  SO… that’s that.

I know we are still over a month away from R&R (after being gone 9 months!) but good grief it’s all I can think of…. I envision every possible scenario from the perfect airport pickup (him picking me up and twirling me in circles while someone takes a bunch of pictures), then driving to her school so she gets that perfect moment with her daddy (where he walks into her class with flowers and she runs to him and they hug while I cry and take a bunch of pictures) to the possible his mom picks him up spends the weekend with him and I get the post pageant (yep, competing in a Mrs. pageant!) kiss.  I want it to be perfect what ever it is and where ever it happens.  After being apart this long I am sure we could meet on the feminine products aisle at Albertsons and it would still be magical.  Kissing him the first time was magical as will be the first time after this time apart. 

We have had the ability to IM through Google Talk most days since he works days and is getting ready for bed by the time I get settled into my day.  I love that he can end his day with me and I can start mine with him.  We have been really fortunate through this deployment to have as much time to chat and communicate as we can. 

Today I got to tell him the biggest surprise of all… 4 days in NYC in November!  This will be our adult trip for 2011 (last year we did 4 days in Palm Springs)… we wanted to do Germany in December but sadly that just isn’t a possibility this year with the amount of time I have had to take off, Diva has been sick a lot since he left, and the amount of time I will be taking off during R&R and homecoming I just don’t have the vacation time left.  But the 4 days as a couple will be amazing in addition to a family trip we are planning with another family from his unit.  Oh how fun… close enough to plan post homecoming stuff too!

Did your family save for something after deployment?

Packing. and weather... I mean REALLY

Last night Diva and I were watching Ramona and Beezus.... Ramona decides that no one likes her and she runs away.  I look over at  Miss Diva and she is crying.  I  asked her what was wrong and she started sobbing.  When I asked her again she blurted out... I miss my daddy and I don't want him to get hurt.  I just pulled her close and cried with her.  I hate seeing my baby cry and hurt. 

When the movie was over we talked a little more about why she was feeling this way... she didn't really  know but said that watching Ramona  packing reminded her of daddy packing.   It was simply heartbreaking.  Aftter we spoke it was 8:52 pm... and raining BUT I decided Frozen Yogurt and hot cocoa was in need so off we headed. 

RUNNING through the rain and laughing made it a least a little more tolerable.

Today we should have been in Arizona BUT thank you to the stupid weather we got part of the way there and had to turn around.  I am SO sick of the weather this year.  I swear ever since he left the weather has been CRAP.  I am ready for the weather and this deployment to be over.

Milspouse Friday Fill In

Link up and learn more about fellow MilSpouses over at Wife of a Sailor!
1.  Aside from no deployments, what is one thing you would want to make the MilSpouse life “perfect”? submitted by Oh How Delightful
I can't wait for another little one... one boy and one girl would make my life even more perfect. 

2.  Just how many peppers did Peter Piper pick? submitted by Married into Army
Depends if it was a deployment year or not

3.  If you could have any career in the world with nothing holding you back, what would you do? submitted by It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To
I would be a Victim Advocate... I am a survivor of domestic violence and want to be able to help others leave and move forward in their lives. 

4.  Do you have a service oriented tattoo and if so what is it. If you don’t what would you get? submitted by The Squid’s Accomplice
I have 2 tattoos but neither are service oriented... don't think that will ever happen.

5.  Imagine a block of time has opened up in your busy day for you to take a class in anything you like. What subject would you choose?  submitted by To The Nth
COOKING!  I can't cook for beans and I am sure my family is sick to death of taco's and spaghetti

Can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with tomorrow!

I'm sorry WHAT?!

Since we have been together it seems that we speak our own language... everything is in some sort of code (for instance every card from him is sent to BLM and from me to BS).  This deployment has been no different.  The date of something centers around addition and subtraction from dates that matter to us.  I know if there are 'fireworks' he isn't meaning 4th of July and so on (Yes, I realize I am flirty with OPSEC here).  Yesterday he actually CALLED me on the PHONE!  I never get phone calls and I just LOVE hearing his voice.  So I was sitting at my desk and I see a 0000000018 number pop up which can only mean it's HIM!  I answer all professional, "Good morning, this is Princess and how may I help YOU?"  His response is one I can only pray wasn't monitored for customer satisfaction.  haha.  ANYHOW... he began to tell me that the internet wasn't working BUT he would be gone/busy for the next few days and needed me to be flexible (Yeah, I rolled my eyes at this one... asking ME to be flexible.  Isn't that synonymous with Army Wife!) and understanding (if I keep rolling my eyes I will get dizzy).  So I asked him what was up and of course he couldnt tell me but spouted some stuff tht I didn't understand so I just agreed and said I love you... then the phone died.  He called back and I spit out I LOVE YOU really quick... and it died.  I HATE SATELITE PHONES!  So with the last call I just said I love you and be safe.... loudly.  haha.  I am sure my office is not deaf now as they giggled.  OH WELL.  All I know is that I have faith, Diva and my amazing kickboxing class to keep my brain busy.  haha.

Do you and your husband have you own language?

Now to Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

Sadly, I don't really feel like there is anyone in my life now or before that is pending forgiveness.  As I said in a previous post, I forgive pretty easily.  I honestly don't let many people know me though either.  After BD and I adopted Diva most of my friends walked out of my life therefore it left a void but also one that I didn't care to replace.  Since she came I tend to keep to my family more.  The less I open up the less people can hurt me and therefore the less forgiveness I need to worry about.

Day 3 & Being sick

Being sick ALONE sucks!  No one to make ME soup or juice... and no one to help Miss Diva.  So sick mommy, with the flu I may add, still picked up her young princess and made dinner and homework.  Then cuddled with her on the couch watching The Disney Channel until bedtime... then mommy took a Tylenol PM and hit the sack herself at 8!  I feel much better this morning, still nauseous but better.  At least my under eye bags are better.  Lets hope Wednesday is better... please!

Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for

Anyone who knows me knows that I forgive pretty easy but not always the best at the forgetting part. BD was the first person I had apologized to for anything in more years that I care to admit. With all the forgiveness that I do, I don't forgive myself for much. I am harder on myself than anyone ever has the opportunity to be. I always worry that I am going to mess up Diva, that I am not going to be everything that my husband wants/needs me to be. It's truly amazing how hard I am on ME. Forgiveness is such a fickle thing.

I need to learn to forgive myself for not standing up to people in my past that have hurt me. I never stood up to my certain individuals and I have let that control me for too long. I have to forgive myself for taking all of my hurt out on people who truly love me. I am learning.

Day 2 - JEALOUSY~

Today I saw pictures of a homecoming on Facebook and while I was SO excited for those families I was also very jealous.  This is the ONLY time I wish we were active duty (ok, not true... I LOVE the moving aspect too!).  This specific unit left last a year ago and are now home... because of training my husband left in April but instead of us preparing for an April homecoming we are preparing for R&R!  We still have several months before we will see the plane/buses come into our unit dispersing out loved ones for our homecoming celebrations.  BAH!  Sometimes I hate the wonders of social networking, like a knife in the heart.   YEP... I FEEL JEALOUS~

Ok - Back to the regularly scheduled blog!

Something you LOVE about yourself...


I love a lot of things about myself but what I love most is my strength. 8 1/2 years ago I left an abusive relationship and started a new life. 4 years ago I began a journey to adopt my beautiful daughter as a single parent. 3 years ago I married my best friend and the Army. 11 months ago my husband told me he would be leaving in 30 days for training and then a 13 month deployment to Iraq. Strength is just something I am and I am proud of my strength.
It’s odd to talk about my feelings about… well myself. I can talk about most things pretty easily. I found this question to be a bit difficult but realized that my strength is what has kept me alive and moving forward. My strength led me to my amazing husband because Lord knows it took strength to enter into a relationship. It was my strength that allowed me to KNOW I could move forward in adopting without a partner… it’s my strength that is getting me through each day the wife of a deployed soldier… and it’s my strength that keeps me from snapping off to some idiot that asks me things such as “Aren’t you afraid he is going to get killed?” or “Do you miss him?” or my personal favorite “How do you do this?” Lets see… yes, I am terrified that the love of my life and my soul mate will be injured but I have faith in the Lord that nothing will happen. We have both been through our share of heartache and crap, nothing is going to stop me from sharing my life with him! Do I miss him? Yes, like I would miss my right arm if it were suddenly taken away. I miss little things like his smell, the smell of oversprayed Axe body spray in my bathroom every morning… and the big things like his arms wrapped around me at the end of a long day or his kiss before bed every night. How do I do this… oh yes HOW. Well moron, the better question is: How could I NOT do this? This is my husband not my neighbor, I love him more than anything… we have vows, and a relationship. We have a future. See… strength not to backhand stupid people. Haha

No Daycare... BUT I WORK!

Ok- I have daycare because I work... so when there is no school I still rely on daycare... BUT THEY ARE CLOSED TODAY!  Seriously, I don't have Federal Holidays off... it kills me!  I feel like I have to sell my soul to the devil every time there is a day off to have someone watch Diva so I don't take ANY more time off work!  Between HER sick days, doctors visits... and then the upcoming R&R and Homecoming I have ZERO days off... it kills me. 

Thankfully BD mom lives close and had today off... THANK GOODNESS!  So she took Diva for me last night as I had an event (Father Daughter Dance) that I had to attend but thought it would break her heart to go with me without her daddy.  LOVE LOVE LOVE having her close.  Diva loves Grammy time!

I also had a MAJOR insecure very minor FREAK OUT on BD yesterday.  I guess the length of time and unsurmountable stress here is getting to me.  Diva has been a terror finding her own lately, I have been working and interviewing for other inter-company positions, in addition to keeping up the blogs, my pageant appearance schedule, and waiting to see if our house offer is accepted.   I haven't slept a full night in over a week so keeping my eyes open is a fete.  So yesterday on Skype I started to get all pissy and cry because I felt distant from him... which is odd for us.  I just need a hug and a kiss so badly some days...  I just had no faith in anything at that time.  I worried he would take his hot new body and leave me, that he would decide that I wasn't enough anymore... that he had gone this long without me so who really needed me.  Yes, I have issues but seriously after going THIS long without R&R has been really really hard.  It hits me at weird times, usually when I am exhausted then I get over emotional.  Today I feel better and horrible for my mood yesterday... but luckily he just accepts that I am nuts at times and loves me anyways.

A few months ago I started this list... then got away from it so I thought I would start again and see how I do.  A little game of getting to know this lady right here (with two thumbs pointing in MY direction!)


The first question - Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

I know I said I would start the next day but hey... I have 3 blogs, an online newspaper column, a 6 year old and a deployed husband... along with a full time job SO... sometimes I am a little behind.

Something I hate about myself...

I can’t really say that I HATE anything about myself… I dislike that I hate putting laundry away to the point that it just piles up clean in buckets, I dislike doing dishes, cleaning up after the dogs... training the dogs and this deployment.  Ok, so I dislike A LOT of things right now.

I dislike that I look at myself being about 50lbs heavier than I really am. Ok… so I guess I hate that about myself. I hate that I put such an emphasis on being thin. That my life revolves around what I eat and how… that I freak if I gain a single pound! I hate that I am miserable looking at my self in a swimsuit right now because I am not in impeccable shape, mind you I weigh 130lbs. I have not been able to make it to the gym consistently since Grant deployed and have gained a few inches. I hate it and cry... then drown my sorrows in dark chocolate. Yep, I have eating issues. I think I would binge and purge if I didn't mind the throwing up part. I just binge... it's sad and pathetic. I know this, I accept this and I work on it but it's a flaw.

Here or Not Here

While I was cleaning today.... yes 6 weeks from R&R and I am a cleaning MANIAC... I realized how many people were at his going away party that will not be invited to his homecoming. 
Since Big Daddy left our lives have changed a lot.  Diva has grown up so much, become more independent and full of attitude.  I have located my previous independence and conquered life without him here physically.  My friends... well, simply put have bailed.  Well that's not entirely true.  I have met new amazing people that accept my life as is, I do wonder what it will be like when he returns but that will be dealt with then.  I have a few friendships that have surprised me while he has been gone.  You know those people that you may have been acquaintances with that have turned into your best friends.  I have a few people that I considered friends that have just all sorts of bailed... If you can't be here when I need you then I surely don't want you when he gets home.
I may sound a bit harsh but really people... if you can't be friends when life is rough and I actually NEED my friends around then what use are you really?  I have gone through this filter several times in my life and this is just one more shining example of my poor taste in people.  (Yes, I have had poor relationship taste in the past too but lets not go there now).  I am totally ok with this...  Nope, that's a lie and if I lie in a blog that's anonymous then I am a huge moron. 

Here is the truth.  I am crushed by the people that have bailed mainly because they didn't have the balls to tell me.  They just stopped returning calls/texts/emails... etc.  Worst part for me is that when I called them on this they couldn't even muster up the courage to be honest.  I CAN'T STAND being lied to.  There is nothing in this world that irritates me more than liars.  Yes, I have cried over this and talked to BD at NAUSEA but I have to realize that people just suck.  haha.  OH WELL.

Thank you to the people that have stood by me, listened to me cry and told me it was going to be ok.  The people that are excited that we put an offer on a house and the people that I can call/text at all hours. I appreciate you more than you can ever know.  Thank you to the blogosphere for validating all of my deployment woes because most of you ladies are going through the same. 
CHEERS

Roots and Upkeep

I realize that since BD has been gone I have been remiss in a few minor girl things… shaving is one and apparently my roots are another.  I have always been a dirty/ash blonde but have highlighted my hair for more years than I care to remember.  Every 8 weeks you can find my bottom firmly planted in Alex or Gina’s chair (depending on schedule).  Yes, I have two AMAZING hair people… I am lucky like that. 

Well, yesterday a coworker asked me when I was getting my roots done as they were HORRIBLE.  First, horrible is a little over stating as I just got them done the first week of January… but yes they are not pretty.  Here is my problem though.  I didn’t plan this out right as I wanted to get them done just before R&R which is the first week of April so if I get them done now I am BARELY at 7 weeks and that seems like a waste of money HOWEVER I don’t know if these can go another 7 weeks before I want to do it myself with a cap.  Yes, I have done this and it NEVER turns out well… AHHHH!  What to do what to do???  I am going to wax, for the first time, before he gets home so that for 15 days I am soft and sexy… then back to sheer laziness until he gets home.

So do it or not???  An wow, looks like the eyebrows need to be cleaned up too!

MilSpouse Friday Fill In

Link up and learn more about fellow MilSpouses over at Wife of a Sailor!

1. What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)? submitted by Our Crazy Life

This is hard because I read SO many but I love Annoyed Army Wife!  She says so many things that I am thinking or experiencing and I can appreciate that.

2. What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)? submitted by Ramblings of a Marine Wife

I can use his deployment as an excuse for just about EVERYTHING and people let me.  If I am late, have a bad day… oh things get lost.  I also love that we have been able to save the money needed to buy our first home.

3. How long did you date your <significant other> before getting engaged? Married? submitted by Utterly Chaotic

We dated 10 months before we got married.  I met him, we moved in together 3 weeks later, got engaged 2 months after that and then married… WHEN YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. 

4. What do you think your <significant other> would do if s/he wasn’t in the military? submitted by Adventures of M-Squared

He is a reservist so…. He is employed in Executive Protection in his Civilian life which is what he loves!

5. If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families?  submitted by My Life as His (Air Force) Wife

If I could choke talk to the Secretary of the Army I would remind them that although families seem to be not preferred by the Army we are here and are the largest supporting factor for our soldiers.  They need to realize though, as families, we need to have some more support from the Army with deployment stresses.  As a Reserve family we have ZERO support from our unit or the Army… I feel like we are on our own for the duration of our 16+ month deployment!

Habitual Romance?

My husband has been awesome.  Every month since he left for training last April (yes, this stupid deployment started LAST APRIL for us… and we still have 6 months to go!) he has sent me small reminders. Flowers or Edible Arrangements… crown jewelry, little things just to make me smile and remind me that he is always thinking about me.  However before this deployment even started we talked about renewing our vows… always something that I wanted to do. 

When Big Daddy and I got married it was PERFECT.  I wouldn’t have changed much, just a few more of my friends not working, but beyond that everyone that mattered was there.  Diva was part of the ceremony, I got the white dress (ok off white but whatever), my daddy walking me down the double staircases and an amazing man at the end.  It was perfect.   In 2009 we went to Kauai on our first vacation and basically our honeymoon (belated) and renewed our vows.  On the beach overlooking the ocean was another perfect ceremony for us.  There was this feeling of being alone in the world with just us on that beach… staring at each other and thinking about all we had experienced and all that was left.  I want to be clear that we have never had marital problems nor faltered in our vows or desire to be together… we just love the idea of renewing and reaffirming our love. 

This year, on our 4^th anniversary and after a 16 month deployment we have decided to do this once again… this time it’s my turn to plan it completely.  I have all these great ideas but haven’t set on just one.  I want it to be amazing and romantic… magical.  This ceremony is not about money or a grand show… or really anyone else, it’s just about us.  We write our own vows and have an officiant remarry us.  We are goofy and dorky but are madly in love.  We have decided that after this we will wait until our 10^th, then in 5 year increments forever! 

Is there a silly or sweet thing that you and your sweety do for your anniversary or just because that you have made a habit out of?

Interesting yet stressful

AHHH… Wednesday!  This week has been interesting and stressful. 

First I must say that I have the most amazing husband!  Yes, this deployment is a constant reminder that he is the PERFECT person for me.  He sent me a cookie bouquet for Valentines Day (funny because he KNOWS I am trying to get in shape, made evident by my request and receipt of Thermogenics!), he also trusts me with HUGE decisions and we can’t wait for R&R (LESS THAN 50 days!).  Every month that he has been gone has resulted in a small token of love, from flowers to Edible Arrangements, Crown stuff (I am a princess) and the COOKIES!  He is supportive in whatever way he possible can from his location. 

Diva has been, well SUPER Diva lately.  She just knows everything, can do anything and feels NO need to listen to anyone.  She refuses to try in school, fails all spelling pretests then gets home the same night and knows how to spell every word.  I am at a total loss with her most days.  LAST night was Wii night… I LOVE Wii dancing so we did 6 songs together and then I did the Super Sweat 3 songs by myself after she went to bed.  FUN  and very needed.

Tonight I am taking his mom to see a place we want.  We have not been really looking for a new home and planned to wait until the end of deployment for this BUT it just happened out of the blue.  BD and I believe that things happen for a reason and we just ride the wave and pray.  Nothing in our relationship has been easy but that has made us stronger and brought us together so I believe that this next step will be no different.  BUT doing things without him on this deployment has been BIZARRE!

Tomorrow will start my workout countdown to R&R!

MAJOR Decisions!

As a milspouse we make big decisions all the time by ourselves with little to no input from our spouse.  I have decided on apartments, colors, decorating... things for Diva.  Then come the REALLY big decisions!  Recently I sold BD's car and we started the house hunting process (OK, not WE but I did) for when he comes home.  We LOVE the area we live in and Diva loves her school and her friends.  While I have never been totally sold on staying in California, for now it's where we will be.    I could not imagine taking Diva from her Grammy here (because the state my family lives in is not a realistic possiblity) and I could not imagine leaving MY grandma!  So California is home. 
With that being said... homes here are SOOOOO expensive that it's always seemed unattainable.  Recently it's seemed a little less so but with him gone I just don't know about making the decision on our first home alone.  AHHHH

What to do... what to doo.......

Happy Hallmark Holiday!

Valentines Day was one of my favorite days of the year until I hit high school… and then I was simply not the girl that got flowers or those silly singing candy grams.  They choir or runners would come into the classrooms each period all day each year and pass these stupid things out and I would NEVER get one so I gave up.  Then it became one of my most loathed holidays… nothing could ever live up to the ideals in my head. 

That was until Valentines Day 2007!  Bid Daddy and I had been living together for a few months so I knew the proposal was around the corner but had always told him that a Valentines proposal was LAME and CLICHÉ.  The weeks leading up to Valentines day included some nice lunches at places I was sure he would propose… nothing.  So on Valentines Day we went out and I was just excited for an adult night with him… all dressed up in a suit (with a pink shirt!).  After dinner we drove around and then stopped by the restaurant we went to on our first date… after some giggling (A LOT of annoyance on my part since it was cold and I had to work the next day) he proposed.  I cried and hugged and cried. 

4 years ago he put that rock ring, on my finger and it’s been an adventure ever since! 

This was my good morning message from him -

I love you so much, and aside from wishing you Happy Valentines Day, and Happy Engagement Anniversary, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking that chance with me 4 years ago today.
Thank you for bringing Diva into my life. Thank you for creating the family I have always wanted. Thank you for supporting me in my life, and especially this deployment. You are truly an angel sent from heaven. Thank you baby. I hope you have a good rest of your day.
I love you
Yep - I am a lucky woman!

I took little miss priss to donuts this morning so she got to open her necklace from daddy… she loved it and wanted it put on her neck right away.  Lets PRAY it comes home with her as well.  So tonight will be a Wii date and a little Fro Yo, perfection if my love can’t be here.  He did open his gifts from us today (a 14.5lb flat rate box) and seemed to be VERY happy with its contents including 1 tank top covered in my perfume!

Parent's Night Out

Last night Diva's school had a parents night out.... for Valentines Day.  Well... since there is just one of me and the idea of sitting at a restaurant alone does NOTHING for me I decided to make it functional.  I went and got our taxes done and then to my favorite spa for a massage. 
NO ONE has touched my skin in MONTHS so it was a weird feeling.  It took me a few minutes to relax but BOY I needed it... mostly evident by the lady repeating "Wow, you are tense" and "There are a lot of knots, are you stressed?"  I just giggled and laid there.  Am I stressed?  HAHA, my husband is in a warzone, my kid is being devil more than angel and I have 7 weeks to get my house in some sense of complete military order.... YEP STRESS!

Today Diva and I have a few fun things, but first thing... we sold BD car!  A very sweet little boy bought it and I know he will take complete care of it.  We also have a skype date with daddy and then we are giving Valentines treats to shelter animals.... if you remember the last time we did this we came home with a dog.  Big Daddy, who incidentally is not so big anymore!, reminded me NO MORE ANIMALS!  Yes, dear.

Have a great Saturday all!

Random 5 questions...

Since there is no Milspouse Friday Fill In - I went and found 5 random questions to answer so here ya go!

1. What ticks you off?
Liars!  IF there is one thing that will send me OVER THE MOON with anger its being lied to.  I don't forgive it and I don't forget it.

2. What in your life has been an inspiration?
My biggest inspiration has been those around me that have fought to make it.  I am a fighter and am inspired by others just like me.

3. Who do you admire the most?
I admire my husband for his determination to get in shape... and for the way he loves me just the way I am.

4. What do you consider weird?
Ventriloquists!  They are just freaky and weird... there is somethng off about an adult with their hand in a puppet talking to themselves!

5. Whats one weird fact about you that youd like to share with people?
I learned how to wiggle my ears in high school... it's a funny parlor trick.  OOH I am SUPER pigeon toed on my left side, my mom fixed it when I was younger but when I am tired it turns in and I trip.

Deployment goals- Half way follow up!

When BD left for deployment I came up with a list of things I wanted to accomplish when he left.

1-       Go back to school

2-       Learn Jiu Jitsu

3-       Get back in 2006 (when we first met) shape

4-       Finish decorating and organizing the house

5-       Start writing my book – to be completed upon his return

Then Diva made her goals

1-       Learn to tie her shoes

2-       Learn to ride her bike

3-       Be able to read a book TO her daddy

AS the past year have gone on my goals have changed as I realize I am only human.  I apparently thought there were more than 24 hours in a day.  In addition while he has been gone I won a pageant so I added those responsibilities as well.  I have loved being able to spend more time with Diva and have used the goals to help monitor and ‘check’ myself during this time.  We are not on the back end of the deployment… about 5 months or so left.  Here is where I stand.

1-       Never made it back to school… but I will next semester.  It was too much with Diva and her schedule.

2-       Jiu Jitsu is next as I started kickboxing in October

3-       I will never be 115lbs again, I have resigned to that BUT I am working on getting more fit

4-       The house is ALMOST done – I am currently on the hunt for 2 black framed mirrors

5-       My book is at about 25000 words so a good start!

Diva update

1-       No progress in shoe tying BUT she can put her hair into a ponytail now I call that a win

2-       She has started to learn.  Doing great at it

3-       We are STILL working but making GREAT progress

What are your goals for deployment??? 

Wordless Wednesday - Snuggles

What if's?

Today is one damn day closer to R&R; yep don’t give a rip about homecoming at this point.  That date seems like FOREVER until it's here... I mean good grief I would rather look a few weeks than a few months.  So, for now, my life REVOLVES around R&R.  I have my list before he gets home: a maid the week before he gets home (I know that may sounds snooty BUT a maid is paid to get down and dirty and do a WAY better job cleaning that I do),  the carpets professionally cleaned, the office organized and possibly a massage or two to calm my UN-ZEN butt down.  I am so nervous about R&R…

I have talked to a girlfriend who had hers a few months ago and I don’t feel so off base but here we go.  So, my husband and I have an amazing relationship… this deployment has made it so.  Any issues we had before we have had to deal with and move forward.  I love how we are NOW.  That being said I am scared to death for R&R!  What if we are weird together, what if we don’t connect in the bedroom… what if things are just OFF the whole time he is home, or he and Diva clash.  Yep… scared to death.  I have been told that my fear is normal and that everything will be ok but ‘what if’s’cloud my thinking.  I hate worrying as I feel like that screws me out of the wonderful anticipation of this.  I am dying for my airport moment, he school moment and all the time we get together.  I hope that my fears go away not intensify…

What was your biggest R&R fear?

Diva - true to form

I wrote a WHOLE post this morning about r&r coming and this weekend then realized that it wasn’t really what I wanted to write about… so I will save it.  Haha.

Now I don’t know how many of you have kids while your husband is deployed… Diva will be 7 in April.  The past 9 months have been trying to say the least.  She doesn’t listen, she talks back… she has attitude.  She is just trying my patience in every level and I feel like  HUGE failure.  How as a parent, did I let this get this far is hard.  She has a blantantly disrespectful attitude.  It used to be saved for time alone with me, now she doesn’t care where we are… she is just a brat.  It hurts me to say/admit that… it really does.

Everyone in my life has a different opion to offer… yes opinions are like, well you know.  One opinion is spanking, NOT gonna work with this kid.  LONG story but I can guarantee it won’t.  I do not judge spankers... I think it's a great way to discipline your child if done correctly.  Second opinion was a therapist… now I thought about this, talked to BD about it.  Maybe due to her age she isn’t able to articulate her thoughts very well so she needs someone to help that.  This is still in the running.  The third option was just spending more time with her, give her as much attention as humanly possible and see if that helps.  While this is my favorite option, I work full time and already spend as much time as I can with her… but I am going to work with this one for a bit.

I don't know many people with daughters Diva's age that I feel comfortable confiding in... admitting my defeatest attitude.  I know it's a phase, it's her daddy being gone but good grief.  1 step forward and then 2 back.  WAIT... thats just my life as a whole

Any other suggestions from those of you with kids?

All of these things are said with as much of a smile as I can muster, some slight chuckles and a lot of hope!

Zen

Ever since hot hubby got to his vacation destination he has decided to be Zen... seriously if I have to hear that damn word one more time I may scream and PUKE but whatever it makes him happy.  I am so far from zen it's not funny... well it is funny but whatever. 
So today during my love/hate relationship with Kohl's I bought into his whole stupid zen thing.... LITERALLY!

Zen is the title of this comforter set... haha

When he left we had no real bedroom anything... just boring BLAH bedding and some Asian themed stuff I put up.  NOW I feel a theme coming together!  Thank you Kohls for our Zen!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

 

Link up and learn more about fellow MilSpouses over at Wife of a Sailor!


1. Since most of the country has had nasty weather, what has your weather been like this week?
Orange County has been AWESOME!  Sorry to gloat but other than a little wind we have had sunny skies all week!


2. What is/are your best money saving tip(s)?
Plan for something!  I LOVE shoes but every time I want to buy a pair I realize that is money that should be going towards our house purchase instead.   


3. What was your favorite vehicle you’ve ever owned?
I loved my 1992 Honda Accord – it had pop up lights, a sunroof and was a stick shift. I LOVED that car!


4. What is a question you’d like to see asked in a future fill-in?
If you have a child(ren) why you chose their name(s),; if not why you would name your child something. 

5. Fill in the blank: You might be a MilSpouse if…
You speak in acronyms and understand them!   

Thoughtful Thursday

This past few weeks I have taken time for deep reflection on my mommy role.   Mommy is something that I wanted so badly for so long…. I tried in my past life, but told that it would never happen so that was a pipe dream (or rather a petri dish dream) that would probably never happen.  Then Diva came into the picture and she became my all.  I didn’t mind sleepless nights, pull ups, kids bodily fluid issues…. I loved everything about her little face.  The last 9 months of BD’s vacation have been trying on Diva and I… I had hoped it would make us closer and some days I think it has done just the opposite.  I can only hope that she knows someday the lengths I went through to get her and the love that we have for her

Her first salon day with mommy.... she hated the end result cause it was "too big" (Think Texas pageant hair in the 80's)

Our BIG family time... Her and Daddy had Starbucks dates every week and now we do to keep it up.

Her first real pedi.... well mani/pedi

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Terrible no good very bad morning

** FAIR WARNING... VERY PISSY POST! **

I feel like the WORST parent ever!  I am the only parent here so it's my fault completely... how can it not be.    Diva has been struggling pretty consistently this entire school year... and truthfull part of last year as well.  In the beginning I thought that it was just the deployment and she would snap out of it….  He got his orders March of 2010, smack in the middle of Kindergarten.  Even though I know that she didn't get what it meant she knew that everyone just changed.  Then daddy was just gone!
Then there are days it seems that she just gets it.  Her school work looks great, her spelling tests are awesome, her math seems to be correct more often than not.  Lately, though, she is just not there.  She would rather draw pictures on the BACK of her tests than actually do them.  She knows every word and then misses 5 on her spelling test... these are words she knew in any order that MORNING.  Last night we were working on her science project on how hurricanes form…. I read the google kids version of how they form 6 times... she just ZONED out.  Then as we were writing about the different categories of hurricanes, she ‘forgot’ how to spell THE.  REALLY KID… how you forget how to spell that word.  A word you learned in PRESCHOOL.  After an hour and a half of fighting with her to pay attention and write out the different categories of hurricanes I just gave up.  It was past 8 (her bedtime is 7:30) and I was mentally drained.  She didn't DO ANTYING.... she just expects me to do it all.  Guess what, I already did it all.  I get angry because she acts like she doesn’t care… I pointed out that I already finished first grade so maybe she should pay attention or she would be repeating it. 

Her tutor says that she is doing really well, most days I see her doing well… but in class she is all but failing MOST subjects. 

I do want to point out that they are doing algebra in the FIRST GRADE… yep, you read it right ALGEBRA at 6 years old.  7 + ? = 9 &  9 - ? = 7… I am frustrated and defeated.  I do not want my little angel to be held back, that will destroy her for good.  On the flip side I don’t want her to struggle and hate school.  I didn’t learn to hate school until high school like everyone else, heck I was a GATE student until then.  I never struggled with English or math and sadly I don’t understand it… hence why she has a tutor. 

THANK YOU TO THE US ARMY for making me go through this ALONE – I am so grateful that my family, my friends and I can sacrifice EVERYTHING for the betterment of a country that doesn’t appreciate a single thing.  Thank you for keeping my husband away from his family, a father away from his daughter… FOR WHAT?!  Please someone tell me why. 

Today is the most upset and resentful I have been in my life I think….

OH PALEEZE!

When husband left we had a big going away party… invited everyone he knew.  Guess what, they pretty much all showed up throughout an entire day.  They showed up with wives, kids, girlfriends… a constant stream of people.  As each person left they uttered the same sentiment, “Princess, if you need ANYTHING just call… even if you just need a friend”.  Those who know me, know that I don’t ask for anything… it’s not in my nature.  I reluctantly agreed, mostly from the other moms thinking that it may be good for a playdate.  Maybe this deployment would strengthen friendships… I did warn BD that most of these ‘friends’ wouldn’t be there when he came home, that they would bail just like friends in the past.  Things get hard, they bail… BD argued that we were adults and these people were genuine.  HA HA PALEEZE!

With 1 or 2 exceptions I haven’t spoken to these ladies in MONTHS.  I was having a horrible time just after Christmas… needed a break and texted one of the moms.  Simply asking her schedule as I ‘really needed a friend”.  I got a response that she was busy and would call later…. That was weeks ago and still no call.  Just as expected!

Funniest part is this… when he gets home and has his requested homecoming party all of these people will be there telling me how the time just flew by and that they are just so proud of how strong I am because they KNOW that they couldn’t do it.  TRUE!  I am just that rock solid and amazing.  I don’t need anyone, I am stoic and superhuman.  HAHA.  NOPE… just a normal mom that occasionally needs a break, needs a friend and possibly a DRINK.  I am at the point now to find the comedy… I know who my friends are and they know who they are… they are the women that I know I can call and will be there for me no matter how often we see eachother or talk.  Those are my friends.

*Sidenote* It was BD that changed his OWN password yesterday and just forgot to tell me.  Thanks love… I freaked for NOTHING.  ahha