No Daycare... BUT I WORK!

Ok- I have daycare because I work... so when there is no school I still rely on daycare... BUT THEY ARE CLOSED TODAY!  Seriously, I don't have Federal Holidays off... it kills me!  I feel like I have to sell my soul to the devil every time there is a day off to have someone watch Diva so I don't take ANY more time off work!  Between HER sick days, doctors visits... and then the upcoming R&R and Homecoming I have ZERO days off... it kills me. 

Thankfully BD mom lives close and had today off... THANK GOODNESS!  So she took Diva for me last night as I had an event (Father Daughter Dance) that I had to attend but thought it would break her heart to go with me without her daddy.  LOVE LOVE LOVE having her close.  Diva loves Grammy time!

I also had a MAJOR insecure very minor FREAK OUT on BD yesterday.  I guess the length of time and unsurmountable stress here is getting to me.  Diva has been a terror finding her own lately, I have been working and interviewing for other inter-company positions, in addition to keeping up the blogs, my pageant appearance schedule, and waiting to see if our house offer is accepted.   I haven't slept a full night in over a week so keeping my eyes open is a fete.  So yesterday on Skype I started to get all pissy and cry because I felt distant from him... which is odd for us.  I just need a hug and a kiss so badly some days...  I just had no faith in anything at that time.  I worried he would take his hot new body and leave me, that he would decide that I wasn't enough anymore... that he had gone this long without me so who really needed me.  Yes, I have issues but seriously after going THIS long without R&R has been really really hard.  It hits me at weird times, usually when I am exhausted then I get over emotional.  Today I feel better and horrible for my mood yesterday... but luckily he just accepts that I am nuts at times and loves me anyways.

A few months ago I started this list... then got away from it so I thought I would start again and see how I do.  A little game of getting to know this lady right here (with two thumbs pointing in MY direction!)


The first question - Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

I know I said I would start the next day but hey... I have 3 blogs, an online newspaper column, a 6 year old and a deployed husband... along with a full time job SO... sometimes I am a little behind.

Something I hate about myself...

I can’t really say that I HATE anything about myself… I dislike that I hate putting laundry away to the point that it just piles up clean in buckets, I dislike doing dishes, cleaning up after the dogs... training the dogs and this deployment.  Ok, so I dislike A LOT of things right now.

I dislike that I look at myself being about 50lbs heavier than I really am. Ok… so I guess I hate that about myself. I hate that I put such an emphasis on being thin. That my life revolves around what I eat and how… that I freak if I gain a single pound! I hate that I am miserable looking at my self in a swimsuit right now because I am not in impeccable shape, mind you I weigh 130lbs. I have not been able to make it to the gym consistently since Grant deployed and have gained a few inches. I hate it and cry... then drown my sorrows in dark chocolate. Yep, I have eating issues. I think I would binge and purge if I didn't mind the throwing up part. I just binge... it's sad and pathetic. I know this, I accept this and I work on it but it's a flaw.