When he got home and started putting his items away, with Diva's help OF COURSE I lost it completely. I began to just sob uncontrollably. It FINALLY hit me that he is HOME - not on R&R or pass but home. He isn't leaving again for a few years. Well not for major Army stuff. He will be going to drill in 90 days and will be back at work soon and may have a few things he needs to travel for there but nothing more than a few weeks. Panic set in, a weird feeling. Instead of a panic that he won't love me or will be killed fighting for a country but a panic that something will go wrong here. These are my panic-y items:
- What if its a SUPER hard reintegration
- What if Diva starts struggling harder than when he left
- What if we are totally different together
It all seem ludicrous writing it down but for a moment I just panicked. He just held me and asked if I needed a few moments by myself. Weird as it seemed - I did. I needed to just walk away and here I am writing because, as I said months ago, writing is my sanctuary.
For the past 15 months I have been alone. Alone in my thoughts, alone in my fears and just alone. I have made all Diva decisions, all my decisions, all of OUR decisions. With a distance of several continents and thousands of miles its been just me here and just him there. We each need some alone time to help with our together time. I feel horrible saying that but its true -
I know that 15 minutes from now will be better, and tomorrow will be better and in a month we will be back to normal but for right now... I need a few moments of ME time, ME in my thoughts and ME in a quiet room. I love him more than life and I love our marriage enough to admit my limits and it hit me tonight that no matter what he is HOME!