It hit me...

Tonight Hubby went grocery shopping by himself while I gave Diva a shower - after a full day of car shopping she was a grungy kid.  No car purchased, he is pretty bummed since we sold his gas guzzling hearse car while he was deployed (Dodge Magnum V8 with a Hemi!).  First of all sending a recently deployed husband to a grocery store ALONE in NEVER a good idea!  There are so many available things that he hasn't seen in a VERY long time - Second be prepared for the ensuing randomness of items.  Luckily Hubby didn' do too bad in his buying power but definitely bought things that our house hasn't seen in a very long time. 

When he got home and started putting his items away, with Diva's help OF COURSE I lost it completely.  I began to just sob uncontrollably.  It FINALLY hit me that he is HOME - not on R&R or pass but home.  He isn't leaving again for a few years.  Well not for major Army stuff.  He will be going to drill in 90 days and will be back at work soon and may have a few things he needs to travel for there but nothing more than a few weeks.  Panic set in, a weird feeling.  Instead of a panic that he won't love me or will be killed fighting for a country but a panic that something will go wrong here.  These are my panic-y items:
 - What if its a SUPER hard reintegration
 - What if Diva starts struggling harder than when he left
 - What if we are totally different together

It all seem ludicrous writing it down but for a moment I just panicked.  He just held me and asked if I needed a few moments by myself.  Weird as it seemed - I did.  I needed to just walk away and here I am writing because, as I said months ago, writing is my sanctuary. 
For the past 15 months I have been alone.  Alone in my thoughts, alone in my fears and just alone.  I have made all Diva decisions, all my decisions, all of OUR decisions.  With a distance of several continents and thousands of miles its been just me here and just him there.  We each need some alone time to help with our together time.  I feel horrible saying that but its true - I WE can't rush all of this and in a way we are.  We are putting so much effort into being a together US that it's ridiculously overwhelming for me.  He got home 3 days ago and it's overwhelming, I admit that.

I know that 15 minutes from now will be better, and tomorrow will be better and in a month we will be back to normal but for right now... I need a few moments of ME time, ME in my thoughts and ME in a quiet room.  I love him more than life and I love our marriage enough to admit my limits and it hit me tonight that no matter what he is HOME!