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Wednesday, March 16

R&R = Aniety ?

Anxiety is something I haven’t felt for a very very long time but good grief… with R&R right around the corner I feel like I may just crawl out of my skin!  I have so many fears about how it will be.  Will hubby and I get along, will he and Diva mesh well or is he going to be yelling at her the whole time because she tends to be a little stubborn and talk back.  Will he still find me attractive, is the house going to be clean enough…. AHHH.  So many things rushing through my head. 
Hubby and I have been looking to buy a house, one of the pro's of deployment is saving money and paying things off.  Yesterday on IM we were talking about a house I found… an actual house house with a HUGE backyard and everything, in our district.  He looked at pictures and thought it looked like his Grandma's... ok it's a 1955 Ranch Style house with a 6000SF backyard!  He isn’t completely sold on it mainly because he isn’t here.  That’s when all of the pressure of all this came crashing down and I just sat here and cried!  No sobbing or noise just uncontrollable tears.  I feel the weight of the world on me… I am raising the child, keeping the husband involved as much as he wants to be (TONS),  keeping the husband SANE and taking everything on me so he stays focused on his safety, acting as the family liaison making sure that everyone in his family knows whats going on, defending my decision to marry a soldier to my family… in addition to my full time job, community responsibilities, Diva’s extra curricular activities and preparing for R&R after 9 months! 
Our current lease is up 45 days after homecoming, which means a decision on staying or going needs to be made BEFORE he gets home so I can make the proper arrangements if we are moving.  Diva has been struggling at school which I feel responsible for… not that I really think there is much more I could be doing to help as she is TOTALLY preoccupied by her daddy being at war (YES, crazy thought but her school doesn’t seem to get it).  I just got a promotion at work, I am so excited as it will allow more freedom with my hours and possibly allow me to pull her out of after school care and spend more time with her by the time school starts next year…. Oh and my furbaby is sick!  My 6 year old shih tzu needs a vet visit because her skin changed colors, her gums are all swollen and yucky AND her liver panel was elevated…. She was my first baby so I have been a little bit A LOT worried about her.  She has been sleeping with me while the puppy has been sleeping in his crate!

Just a little bit going on that only a military wife seems to understand!  I am so sick of hearing that I knew what I was getting into.  NOPE  you do not understand a deployment until you live through it, you do not KNOW what it's all about until you stand there 6 months after seeing your husband and worrying every day whether or not he will make it home.  No, I did not picture my life this way... living a daily marriage without my husband while being a geographically single mother.  I would never change a moment of marrying my soldier or having Diva.  I love them both with every breath but it's not what I planned.  I am not a tag chaser, I am not a barracks rat nor have I ever been.  I fell in love with a man who HAPPENED to be a Soldier instead of the other way around.  Enough said!

Did you have anxiety over R&R or Homecoming?  How did you deal?


Letters From Home said...

HECK yes I have anxiety about R&R. We're still a couple months out but I'm trying to plan a vacay and everything I suggest is met with resistance from hubby. He doesn't want to stay at home the entire time yet he seems to have forgot that we have kids and wants to take a couples trip? Yeah not happening when I'm the one that has to listen to the kids ask me every single day "when is daddy coming home". The entire deployment process just sucks. I feel your pain girl! Here's to hoping you get through it all!

Michelle said...

Just remember to BREATHE. Your doing a GREAT job at handling everything while hes away. Your a terrific mom and wife and you can only do what you can do. Im always here if ya need someone. I can't imagine what your going through, but I can tell you that I'm here if you need anything! But I just thought I would tell you, as much as your dealing with right now, your a strong woman and you and your family are going to get through this! Love ya!