This is the worst day of this deployment by far! I am in a HORRIBLE mood… having been since last night. I just sobbed after Big Love last night as the song, God Only Knows (what I’d do without you) played. Yesterday there was a soldier on Hubby’s base that was killed and while it wasn’t in his unit the closeness made it real to me. The realities of deployment are scary.
Living every day doing everything for everyone has just simply exhausted me. I am whining a bit I realize. Yes, I knew what marrying a soldier meant… please don’t be condescending. No one is prepared for a deployment no matter how much they ‘knew’ what they were getting into. Worrying about your husband/wife daily… praying for the phone calls, emails or skype. Going to bed praying that there won’t be a knock at your door. Looking into the eyes of your child knowing you can’t promise them when their daddy will be home, knowing that they hurt so much and you can’t fix it. Diva looked at me the other night with her HUGE brown eyes and asked me to promise her that daddy would be home soon and would always be safe, because mommy ‘has never broken a promise’…. I just hugged her and told her that he was doing everything he could to be home as soon as he could. She told me that someone told her that Soldiers get killed by bad people and she didn’t want her daddy to get killed. SERIOUSLY, my heart just broke.
Then on top of it all I am just tired of being EVERYTHING to everyone…. I just want someone to hug me and let me crumble, just ONCE. Diva has been trying more and more lately… she is just as stubborn as we are so there have been many a nights of frustration for both of us. We have been at this for almost a year now and I am tired… physically exhausted, tired of deployment, tired of being asked WHEN he is coming home. Then getting the pity when I tell them he will be home for only 2 weeks… “Oh not for good?” FOR GOOD… haha, that’s funny! There is nothing for good in the military… FOR NOW is more like it.
This deployment can just be over now… thank you very much. I did joke with hubby that he better not VOLUNTEER for any of the new ‘hot spots’ … he just giggled. HMM. If I didn’t madly love this man! Haha
I am incredibly thankful to the people that have been there for me… please don’t take any of this personally. There are 4 women in my life that have been my ground. That I know I can call and talk to at any point and whether or not they understand the military or what I am really feeling they are just there for me…. Last night I was texting one and she called at like 11 to just be there, listen and offer her advice and friendship. Another one that calls just to say, HI and see how I am… then my military wife friends that crack me up because they get it and we can joke in a weird way about not missing cleaning up the bathroom floor but still missing it because he is there. I said weird.
Almost to R&R…. my chant. haha